Haven't been feeling too good these last two days, not sure what exactly, maybe everything?

Its been a year, aside from living in crazy times, its been 13 months since I lost my husband, I'm currently going through a saga of getting my car fixed (and failing), need to clean the house out and figure out the future. Oh, and there's a big trip coming up next month.

I can't say I've been mentally well ever, but more or less functional, or at least I can fake it well.
Friends? Nope, never really been good with people. Doesn't help that I have a memory like a sieve, doesn't matter who you are to me, friends, family, coworkers, etc, remembering faces is hard, names harder, and associating the two? Yeah…
Hobbies? Nope, never really latched onto anything. Not a real good thing when I'm stuck without a car for a week, and am rapidly running out of things to do. Then there's the stress of money, its not that I'm in trouble there (not yet at least), but work has always kept me busy and in the past money has often been a problem, so work solves too problems for me.

So, car front, took it in to another dealer hoping this one could at least be bothered to take a serious look at it, and… A week later they haven't gotten to looking at it. Yeah, tomorrow I'm going to show up at opening and just tell them to give it back. I guess after that I just drive it until it breaks and sell it for what I can get. I'm not good with confrontations, and my brain is having fun spiraling on this to the point where I'm taking sleeping pills just so I can get some sleep.

Not sure that's all the problems, for whatever reason I can't really be bothered to crack open a book any more, but I'm running out of stories to read online, so I'm running out of stuff to do. Its too hot for yard work, plus that's kinda limited because of all the junk the room mate's accumulated at this point.

And then there's the trip next month, sure, I'm prolly taking on a bit much, but really all of it stresses me out. My grandmother's birthday, 105, I should prolly make an appearance, after all, how many more will there be? Of course its going to be too peoply, so stress thinking about that.
Then to Myrtle Beach to spread some of Vik's ashes, plus most of his mom's per her request. Some how I think its going to be too peoply for me there.
Then to Jersey to see how things have changed. Honestly this one is a maybe, i'm interested in doing that, but it adds a lot to the trip, and if'n I move to PA like I'm thinking, I could just wait until I'm closer. That one at least is a relatively stress-free leg as its just me, no real plans and I can avoid crowds and the like.
Then over to PA to visit my family, look at a tiny home I'm interested in and… Well, not really sure.

Then I guess its back to here, back to what I have here which isn't a lot. A cluttered house that badly needs cleaning out but I'm struggling with that, a job that I like, but its just a pointless gig job, not a career. Still need to get a headstone for Vik, his mom and me, was going to work with his aunt(?) on that, she certainly seems to be involved, but she's not helping.

Honestly I think I just need someone to come in, get everything sorted for me so I can move on.
What comes after that?
No idea, but at least getting a clear slate would certainly help. Probably some mental help would be a good idea, but insurance is a mess right now, and besides, that involves talking to people, so…

#mentalheaith #stress #life