I'm still trying to figure out how I'm supposed to feel about losing my husband, my reaction is certainly not what you're told you're supposed to have, at least as society says, but then I've always had a problem with society and relationships, is it me or is there no grey in it? Its either love or friendship, that's what's expected, nothing in between. But really there is a lot of grey, isn't there?

Did I love him? Honestly I'm not sure, I mean what is love (feel free to insert Haddoway)? I'm sure some of my problems come from my autism, maybe a lot. Me, I'm a hermit, I leave the house for work, grocery shopping and Sunday brunch, and that's about it. I avoid people like the plague.

He always said he was introvert, something that seems so weird, I mean he was well loved at work and involved in some many parts of it. He was active in the fountain pen community and Ingress community, active in local government, and genealogy.

Certainly hard to imagine him as an introvert, right?
But introverts need to recharge mentally, right?

I suppose that's where I fit in, I provided that, a place where he didn't need to be anything but who he was. I kept the house clean more or less, took care of finances, had last word, sometimes only word on big things, it was me who decided we should stop paying rent and buy a house Here he could come home, touch base with me, then crawl into a computer for the rest of the night, food would be taken care of, home was where he could relax.

I suppose I'm angry at him, the obvious would be for leaving me, the less obvious, I've been nudging him to take serious the fact that he would get out of breath on stairs. Lately when grocery shopping, at the second store, and sometimes the first, he'd have to use one of those powered carts. And then there were another minor problem, at least that one he went to the doctor, but that was just a couple weeks ago. Then there's the problems here, from the fear over money, I don't make much with what I do, and I had no idea what he had in place as he'd never told me. Frustration, since we never really planned, so I have no access to his computers or devices, which has me operating somewhat blind. I'm pretty creative, so I've got some idea of what I need to deal with, but still. Sad? That comes and goes, it has to be rather strong loss for me to be sad, that's been rare in my life, and this is definitely a strong loss. A stew of emotions and confusion.

My greatest strength is organizing things, putting together a plan, its just a matter of figuring out where to start. I'm lucky that help is available, as I told his father this morning, I'm kinda drowning in help, plenty of family, co-worker and friend support, but its hard for me to ask for help, harder still when I don't know what I need. I think funeral and memorial is the biggest area where I need help, I have an idea of what cemetery I think would be appropriate, but not just for him, but for his mom and his cat, assuming all three would be allowed, but the details are something that I'm uncertain about.

Beyond that, its a very simple though annoying process of reporting his death to various banks, insurance, etc, providing proof, settling debts and closing accounts. Honestly that's mostly easy, its my comfort zone, while I hate desk work, I do enjoy any task that amounts to fill in the blank. Interspersed with that will be returning to work, and trying to clean this place, a task that I'm estimating at taking months.

Surprise sympathy flowers sent to me by Chewies after settling my husband's account The image features a bouquet of flowers arranged on a marble surface. The bouquet consists of white lilies with subtle purple speckles and yellow carnations, complemented by green foliage and small white flowers. A white ribbon is tied around the bouquet, adding a touch of elegance. Two cards are attached to the bouquet: one is a business card for "Bloomers Florist" The other card is a handwritten note that reads, "Sorry for your loss. I am so sorry to hear about your loss. All my love and prayers are with you. Love, Andrew and your Chewy Family." The background is a simple, light-colored marble surface.

I think I'm going to have a lay down, hopefully this was understandable, it certainly was draining.

#love #Life #death #feelings